1 Peter 4

1 Peter 4:9

Be hospitable to one another without complaint.

I struggle with this a lot, though I try to keep the complaint internal.  I know a couple of people who are frequently asking me for help, either with rides to places and/or extra money.  I don't like doing this.  One feels lazy, as he's gone long stints without having a job and would come to me for money or rides to the other person's place to socialize.  The other is medically disabled, but not responsible with her money, and it feels like she sees me as her bailout (which makes me an excuse to not get responsible).

However, the guy is now dying of cancer; he might have a year left.  After he's gone, I expect the lady will turn to me even more, as I think he's her current primary support person and friend.  I know that I should help her however I can, but she really gets on my nerves, and I feel like I'm already her crutch, and likely to become her wheelchair after he's gone.  But I also know I have a moral/Biblical responsibility to do what I can for her.  But I still hate it, and that puts me in a gut-twisting quandry.

1 Peter 3

1 Peter 3:17

For it is better, if God should will it so, that you suffer for doing what is right rather than for doing what is wrong.

Like most people, I don't like to think about suffering.  However, I find myself turning to that word more and more frequently in recent months, as I look at the situation of my church.  In my case the suffering has been emotional, rather than the physical implied here, but it still feels like a type of suffering.

The contract is that my suffering is at least partially self-inflicted, due to wrong choices I've made and continue to make.  I can see the cycle and how it's spiraling, but I don't see a good way out.  The only way, from everything I've read, to ease the suffering requires having at least one person I trust enough to open up to, and I don't feel like there's anyone who'd freely do that without feeling pressured.

1 Peter 2

1 Peter 2:2

like newborn babies, long for the pure milk of the word, so that by it you may grow in respect to salvation.

This analogy of milk is used several times, by different writers.  However, I'm not certain if they're all using it the same way.  Here, Peter seems to be saying that the Gospel is like milk, and that it is all that is needed for serious growth.

However, Paul and the author of Hebrews seem to be saying that milk is only the start, and that solid food must follow for true development.  This is a touchy subject for me right now due to some things going on at my church.  The pastor has made it clear recently that he's not going much beyond the raw gospel, but how he says it feels like he's going to be staying at that milk level forever, and I think that attitude is going to stunt the long-term growth of the congregation.

1 Peter 1

1 Peter 1:14

As obedient children, do not be conformed to the former lusts which were yours in your ignorance,

This is my daily struggle.  There are many ways of the flesh which I am drawn to constantly, things I want badly but do not have.  Many are actually good things, things most people should have, but I have been blocked from, at least partially due to my own choices and actions.

It says here that those desires come from ignorance, but that doesn't make them any less powerful.  I'm intellectually aware that I am pursuing things the wrong way, but emotionally the void in me is so strong that something needs to fill it.  I know the proper, Christian answer is that Christ is supposed to fill those voids, but I can't for the life of me figure out how that's supposed to happen.

James 5

James 5:16

Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed.  The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.

I'm not very good at confessing my sins.  Part of that is probably guilt, and not wanting others to know how I mess up.  But at least a small part of it is that I don't feel like there's anyone who wants to hear it from me, let alone pray for me.

I'll admit, I get skeptical about the idea that sins that haven't been prayed for are a frequent cause of illness.  That sounds too much like pre-Christ teachings, like the man who was born blind that He corrected their false assumptions on.  However, I do like the idea of a righteous man's prayers helping, even if I don't consider myself particularly righteous.

James 4

James 4:9

Be miserable and mourn and weep; let your laughter be turned into mourning and your joy to gloom.

This verse feels kind of misplaced in the passage.  The surrounding verses talk about being humble and purifying heart.  It seems like a large leap from humility to being miserable.

I'm speculating here, but I think what we're supposed to be mourning what we did in our past lives.  We were happy and carefree, before we knew the truth.  Once we understand how wrong we were, we should mourn our bad choices and turn away from them.

If only it were always that simple...

James 3

James 3:6

And the tongue is a fire, the very world of iniquity; the tongue is set among our members as that which defiles the entire body, and sets on fire the course of our life, and is set on fire by hell.

Today, the tongue isn't the only way our expression can damage ourselves and others.  For many, their primary method of communication is through their fingers.  Texting, posting, commenting, replying -- all are easy to do without much thought, and can cause great hurt to others.

I got a painful lesson in this recently.  I commented on a friend's post, something I thought was a (dry) humoring response.  She didn't see it that way, and looking back I can understand why.  But in confronting me about it, she exaggerating things a lot herself, and it's caused me to withdraw from her.  But I don't feel like I can express my hurt, because it'll seem like escalation or that it will hurt her in turn, and I don't want that.

James 2

James 2:8

If, however, you are fulfilling the royal law according to the Scriptures, "You shall love your neighbor as yourself," you are doing well.

Right before going over this chapter, I had a minor epiphany.  I was thinking about a relative who's going through some tough times figuring life out, and I was thinking what I would say if she was talking to me about it.  I was thinking that I'd tell her I loved her, and loving her meant I wanted the best for her, even when it might hurt in the short-term.

That thought kinda stopped me dead, because I realized that if that's my definition of love, then I don't love myself very much.  I realized I don't want what's best for me.  For a long time, I've looked at myself and tried to picture what I want my future to be like; but then I considered what it would take to get to that future and shrugged it off as being too hard, the cost-benefit analysis came out negative.  So, if I don't want what's best for me if it involves work and risk, do I really want someone else to have what's best for them for the same uncertainty?  Or am I just saying that to make myself feel superior, and unwilling to do the work for myself?

James 1

James 1:7

For that man ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord, being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

This kinda describes me to a 'T.'  I have constant doubts about whether God will act in my life.  I believe He can, without question, but I don't expect that He actually will.

I've long held that God doesn't directly, one might say miraculously, intervene in the world nearly as much as many tend to believe.  I don't think that every good thing that happens was divinely pushed by Him to occur, any more than I think every bad thing that happens is spiritual warfare directly produced by Satan's forces.  Over time, I think that lack-of-expectation has probably turned toward cynicism about His caring about me, and that probably helps explain a lot of the problems I have.

Hebrews 13

Hebrews 13:2

Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, or by this some have entertained angels without knowing it.

I'll admit, I have a lot of trouble with hospitality.  I'm socially awkward at the best of times, and not very good at making conversation.  This is amplified greatly when the people I'm supposed to be interacting with are new to me; I just don't know how to make a connection, and honestly doubt I ever will.

However, it's passages like this that keep pushing me to try.  I'd be just as happy sitting in a room full of people I don't know and keeping a smile pasted on my face while never opening my mouth.  But when it comes to the more tangible aspects of hospitality, maybe those I can help with; it just needs to be somewhere other than my house, because no one comes here!

Hebrews 12

Hebrews 12:15

See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled;

I don't know what exactly is meant by "no one comes short of the grace of God."  Is it that everyone should be gracious like God has been to us, or that no one should fail to do what's necessary to be rewarded His grace?  I'd think it's the former, but given this is talking to the Hebrews the possibility of the latter is still niggling at me.

I wonder, am I bitter?  Is what's happened to me at church become bitterness, or just genuine concern for the direction of the church?  As much as I'd like to say it's only concern, I'm having a lot of trouble keeping my negativity in check when it comes to the church's leadership right now.

Herbrews 11

Hebrews 11:1

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

I don't recall reading this verse in this translation before.  I grew up with the NIV and KJV, which use different words for "assurance" and "conviction."  I think this version makes these more clear.

What this terms "assurance" I grew up knowing as "confidence" or "substance."  With assurance, this shows that it's not something we make up ourselves; it's believing in a promise we were given.  It's God telling us that what's coming is good, and that we have something to look forward to.  The trick is not to replace what God promises with what we want it to be in our own selfish motivations.

Again, "conviction" I knew as "assurance" or more often "evidence."  Rather than assurance of things unseen, which could mean anything, conviction is having the firm confidence in those things.  Evidence is an even worse term, as anyone trying to put this into a court case comes up embarrassingly short (see Lee Strobel's books).  We believe that the unseen God is real, and that He works for His and our ultimate good, even when we don't understand His methods or reasons.

Our faith is that God is good, and that He will bring ultimate good to us through Christ, even when we don't understand everything in between.

Hebrews 10

Hebrews 10:26

For if we go on sinning willfully after receiving the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins,

What falls under "receiving the knowledge?"  Is it only those who hear the Gospel, but do not accept it as their own?  Or does it include those of us who do accept, but willfully sin afterwards?

If it's the former, then there's no way for these people to ever come to Christ, and they are truly lost forever.  But if it's the second, then it sounds like there is a way to actually lose one's salvation.  Or might it be about the ones who appear to be saved but later fall away, showing they never really believed and their pretending gains them nothing?

Hebrews 9

Hebrews 9:26

Otherwise, He would have needed to suffer often since the foundation of the world; but now once at the consummation of the ages He has been manifested to put away sin by the sacrifice of Himself.

This is one of those logic points I've struggled to wrap my head around at times.  Sacrifices are normally a 1:1 conversion:  a life for a life.  But Christ died once, and saved billions.  So how could one perfect person's death have atoned for so many sinners?

I've usually chalked this up to the fact that He was also God, and therefore the infinite God could take the punishment for all of us.  But I've also heard it said (both on conjunction with the previous or apart from it) that it was because He was raised from the dead, that that somehow made up the difference.  But if that were the case, wouldn't Christ have had to die billions of times, to cover the 1:1 ratio?

Hebrews 8

Hebrews 8:6

But now He has obtained a more excellent ministry, by as much as He is also the mediator of a better covenant, which has been enacted on better promises.

Under the old covenant of Abraham's and Moses' times, we had no chance.  There were rules spelled out for us to obey, but they were impossible to truly keep.  As such, while holiness could be understood, it could not be truly obtained; all we could get was a perpetual struggle.

However, Christ replaced this covenant with one that did make it possible for us to be holy.  It is still impossible for us to do, but Christ became the sacrifice to cover sin that could not be achieved otherwise.  As such, the promises He gave will be fulfilled, and we can therefore have hope.

Hebrews 7

Hebrews 7:3

Without father, without mother, without genealogy, having neither beginning of days nor end of life, but made like the Son of God, he remains a priest perpetually.

I have to admit, if this wasn't in the Bible, I'd think the author was off his rocker.  He goes on and on about this one person who gets a couple verses in Genesis, and basically raises him to virtual equality with Christ.  Where did they get this idea from, that isn't in the original passage?

However, since it is in the Bible, I have to wonder what it means.  I've heard some who believe Melchizedek was a per-incarnate appearance of Christ, but he was a king of a city, which would be a much longer appearance than Christ is thought to make anywhere else.  So what was he, besides a God-fearing man who led a town, served as priest to God, and blessed Abraham after a battle?

Hebrews 6

Hebrews 6:18

so that by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have taken refuge would have strong encouragement to take hold of the hope set before us.

I'm not clear on what the hope we're supposed to be taking hold of is.  Is it the promise of eternal life, or of His blessing?  Is it the promise of His guidance, or the ultimate goodness of His plan?

Even if I'm correct in guessing that it's ultimate salvation, I find that the encouragement given is not as strong as the author may want it to be.  I look at the pain I'm in now, the loneliness and isolation, and can't see how this could be part of His plan.  Does that mean I'm so far off the plan that I'm useless, or does it mean that I just can't see the path because of my own myopia?

Hebrews 5

Hebrews 5:7

In the days of His flesh, He offered up both prayers and supplications with loud crying and tears to the One able to save Him from death, and He was heard because of His piety.

I get a little worried at this verse.  It sounds like the author is saying that Jesus was only heard by God because He had been faithful.  In my mind, that leaves a gap between when we cry out as unbelievers asking to be saved, to when we are believers covered by Jesus' blood.  How does that leap occur?

Also, I think it's important to note that it says here that God did hear Jesus' prayers to be saved from death.  However, that doesn't mean He saved Him, at least not directly.  Jesus had to concede to God's will, even when it conflicted with His own; that's the importance of His saying "not My will, but Yours be done."

Hebrews 4

Hebrews 4:16

Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

I've heard this verse since I was a little child, but don't think I've ever really understood it.  I always took it as, "we're saved, so we can go to God any time since we're now his kids."  But given my own stoic relationship with my dad, I've come to understand how flawed my view of God is, even if I still have trouble breaking that image.

We are called to draw near with confidence, because we have been made right by Jesus; that much is true from my childhood understanding.  But I think I replaced confidence with fearful reverence.  I pictured us coming quietly into the vicinity and waiting to be recognized in God's timing; doing more than that would be changing confidence to brashness.  Now, I wonder if I've felt that God was too busy to do much for insignificant me, and therefore I was down on the priority list somewhere that got occasional attention, but was mostly left to his own devices unless it was an emergency.  In that circumstance, there's not much room for mercy or grace; you're probably getting in the way of something important.

Hebrews 3

Hebrews 3:16

For who provoked Him when they had heard?  Indeed, did not all those who came out of Egypt led by Moses?

I've often thought that part of my struggles is because I'm never sure if what I'm hearing in my head is from God, or just my ADD parroting back what the "churchy" answer is.  I've wished so many times for clarity on that.  If only I knew that what I heard was from God, it would make things so much easier.

But the author here reminds us that the Israelites under Moses all heard the voice of God, with no question of its source.  They got the Ten Commandments straight from His mouth, and yet went on to disobey them almost instantly.  I need to remind myself of this, and that even God's voice doesn't mean fallen hearts will obey; it's an excuse that is not true.

Hebrews 2

Hebrews 2:18

For since He Himself was tempted in that which He has suffered, He is able to come to the aid of those who are tempted.

I always have trouble with verses like this.  We are told that Jesus was tempted, but we see very little of it.  We see three temptations back-to-back, but then the rest of the time nothing is said.  It's as if in that one incident He is supposed to have faced all the temptations of the world, and then never before or after again.

I'm sure this isn't correct, but it's hard to picture Christ being tempted in the ways that I am.  We don't see any temptations of Him to not do the work intended for Him prior to the cross, or of having thoughts that could lead to sin.  In some ways, His perfection makes it a lot harder to relate to Him, or feel that He truly does understand what we face.

Hebrews 1

Hebrews 1:2

in these last days has spoken to us in His Son, whom He appointed heir of all things, through whom also He made the world.

I don't think of Jesus has having been appointed heir by God.  That language feels wrong to me, because in our understanding it supposes that there was another choice to be made; could Jesus and the Spirit have traded places if they wanted to.  It also implies that the Father would one day die, which is incorrect.

I also don't think of the Father having made the world through Jesus.  I'm not sure what that means; did God need Jesus' future corporeal form to create corporeal matter?  Or is Jesus somehow the conduit through which the Father must work, as if they had different abilities?

Philemon

Philemon 18

But if he has wronged you in any way or owes you anything, charge that to my account;

Onesimus was a runaway slave, who had fled to Rome, met Paul, and come to Christ.  He had apparently had a complete turnaround in his attitude as a result of being saved, and become a helper to Paul in his house arrest.  As a result, he was returning to Philemon, his owner, and Paul wrote a letter of appeal to him, including this key line.

Christ took on what we all owed God; in the same way, Paul is taking on what Onesimus owed Philemon.  Paul did not have to do this, but chose to anyways.  We don't even know if Paul had the means to pay whatever was owed, but he took the debt regardless, possibly as a means to show Philemon how much he cared about the slave.

Titus 3

Titus 3:10

Reject a factious man after a first and second warning,

I wonder, am I being factious?  I am considering leaving my church, and while I would do it in as quiet a manner as possible, I'm sure someone's going to find out why.  At that point, I will be bringing dissent to the Church.

I guess the reason I worry about this is that I'm still conflicted on whether to leave.  The pastor gave a couple sermons a few weeks ago that imply one should never leave a church for any reason.  However, I disagree with his reasoning for that conclusion, which is another way I'm worried about causing division to occur.

Titus 2

Titus 2:8

sound in speech which is beyond reproach, so that the opponent will be put to shame, having nothing bad to say about us.

The last quality on the list for young men has two parts.  First, we are to speak soundly, that is, truthfully and right; or to borrow a phrase from elsewhere, speak the truth in love.  We are to do this so that our speech (and possibly the other qualities listed) cannot be legitimately criticized.

However, that doesn't mean that we won't be criticized anyway; it is our job to ensure that any such criticism is false.  While I may keep my tongue under control, there are other areas which are rife for criticism.  I need to give them to God, except that I still don't quite know what that means.

Titus 1

Titus 1:6

namely, if any man is above reproach, the husband of one wife, having children who believe, not accused of dissipation or rebellion.

I've wrestled with the meaning of this verse for much of my adult life.  To my mind, it means that an elder is to have been married only once, and must have children who are faithful believers.  However, I've encountered many who disagree.

The church I attend holds that it only means that he is faithful to his current wife, not having affairs or polygamous, and the question of children is never raised.  My friend from Mexico once told me that in churches where he lives, as they were being set up, did not have enough older men to meet these qualifications, so they turned to younger men who appeared that they would meet them one day (not yet married, but understood the importance of faithfulness).

I'm not sure that I agree with either of those routes.  It's been a point of disagreement between me and the church leadership for years.